28 December, 2005

Friends--
Since I "consummated my priesthood," lo those several years ago, I have been looking for more new and unique ways to serve my parishioners (and I consider all of you my parishioners). Some of you may argue that trying to do more was unnecessary, overkill, maybe even downright pompous -- that I should focus on doing one thing really well: secular ceremonies at rock-bottom, bargain-basement prices.

Well, friends, I've got news for you. I've never been able to focus on just one thing, and some would argue that I've never done anything well.

Until now.

I've found something that was broken, and I've fixed it. And in so doing, I think I've found a niche where I can offer a new service that will drastically improve all of your lives.

Surfing the web the other day, I stumbled on raptureletters.com , a site that emails communications to people still here on earth after Jesus has come back and taken all of his loyal servants with him. It's a nice service to offer Christians: the chance for one last message to someone they loved but could not convince of the true path. Unfortunately, I saw too many holes in the execution and the logistics of the raptureletters.com plan. Fortunately, I realized that I had the ability to improve on the system and offer just a little more peace of mind.

The single biggest problem--the one that jumped out at me first--with raptureletters.com's execution is the fact that the letters are sent by a dead man switch. In case you don't know this is a classic system administrator job security ploy. If the writer doesn't reset the switch once a week (or whatever) a script runs that wipes out a bunch of company information, for instance. It's a good way to trigger something by not being there. What this tells us is that the owners of raptureletters.com don't plan to be left behind themselves. A dead man switch may be a good technique, but it's not as good as being there. The main difference between my service and theirs is that while raptureletters.com's dead man switch is trying to send your message, I'll still be here and I'll be a real person trying to send your message.

Friends, starting today, I'd like to introduce Uncle Reverend Big Mike's ApocalyGrams. It is a similar service -- to deliver a message to an unsaved loved one after the rapture has come and all of the good Christians are gone -- with the following improvements:

• Non-believer I have blasphemed the Holy Spirit, the one unforgivable sin according to Matthew 12:31: Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. Wherever you are come Rapture Day, I'm going to still be here. And I give you my secular word that I will do my best to deliver your message.
• Redundancy At the time of submission, your message will be sent to several email addresses on different servers in different parts of the world. This is an attempt to prevent data loss in the case of massive communications infrastructure failure that seems likely to accompany the end of the world as we know it.
• Freedom Rapture Letters only lets you send their letter to your loved ones. ApocalyGrams let you send any message you like. Or, if you're lazy, you can choose from one of our customizable samples!
• More Options Not enough for you? Maybe you're a little more discerning? Maybe you'd like to do something a little extra for your loved ones just before they're subjected to an eternity of fire and brimstone? Maybe you've got a little extra cash to get rid of before you go? No problem. We offer numerous premium services to suit your every fancy.

I crack wise, of course, because I'm a nonbeliever. I personally don't believe in a Rapture, just as I don't believe in a Holy Spirit. But you can rest assured that my promises are good and that I'll be a lot more capable of handling various problems that may arise than any dead man switch. It may make you uncomfortable to think of these letters being handled by a non-believer, but I think you can also understand that it's the more logical way to go. I also do not intend any ill will towards raptureletters.com or any of their patrons or supporters. Please, make use of both of our free services.

On to ApocalyGrams.

Sincerely,